Thanks. It’s got a years long history and I am more than anything just relieved to release it into the world so it can stop harassing me! Although the male character has potential.
Thanks, Brock. Appreciate you reading it. That story was hanging around for a long time and I never knew what it was trying to be. So I just decided to find out how much I could pack into the smallest space and it still feel like a resolved story.
So much happening with such excellent economy, I always enjoy the way in which you steep beautiful character detail into your riffs. I hear the character voice clearly from the hop, “cold as a motherfucker”, “God knows what”, and “College kids.” You don’t overload us, but rather strike a beautiful balance that feels like you slip in, give us what we need, and slip back out.
The language moves really well, and again all of the fun flares that are uniquely your own really shine. I smile at “jalopy” and “binocs”, for example. I know these aren’t strictly YOUR words and YOUR words alone, but you hit those distinct vocab flourishes like keys on a piano. “… as if waiting for a gynecological exam” was pure perfection. I also love the belly hanging out self consciousness moment.
You have a knack for taking these quirky little moments, both universal and isolating, and really breathing life into them. There is a creepiness and a craziness and a perfectly logical explanation all in collision that just sort of sings.
If I had one bone to pick, it’s that conflict moment when the boy comes home. The resolution feels a little too easy to me, there’s a lot of dramatic capital to be mined from a moment like this. I want that imaginative flair for this moment, à la the character and language you’ve employed otherwise in the piece. I don’t know that I need a fist fight, I don’t know that I need much more than is already there, but something that could really stick with me about how the boy handles it. As you reveal in the end, there is a definite dysfunction about this relationship, and I’m curious how that dysfunction might manifest in the caught red handed moment, directly addressing the potential for tension between the boy and Milo.
That’s a lot of me rambling, apologies, but this was a joy to read, as per usual, thank you for sharing! Suddenly, I’m very aware of how many disjointed commas I speak in …
Hey, thanks Brian, it’s always such a compliment when anyone takes the time to read a story below the surface and have something insightful to say.
I think the no-confrontation moment dramatizes the cuckolded boy’s hurt and powerlessness and Milo’s bewilderment at what the girl’s agenda is. For some men, discovering a betrayal leads to tears, but rage later. I have experienced this and perhaps that is what informed this story on a subconscious level.
I also wanted it to be a sharp short-short rather than a fully fleshed out short story. So I wrote my usual big sloppy draft and kept shaving off bits of it.
That’s what I was striving for. I’m trying to crack this short-short/flash genre by doing rather than studying
But as we all know, sometimes what we are striving for doesn’t comes across to all. This all goes into the percolator, and who knows what the next draft will look like?
Nice. Really enjoyed this one.
Thanks. It’s got a years long history and I am more than anything just relieved to release it into the world so it can stop harassing me! Although the male character has potential.
I enjoyed this story very much. I have a surprisingly similar star.
It left me jolted to talk. THAT is surely a good sign!!
Thanks, Brock. Appreciate you reading it. That story was hanging around for a long time and I never knew what it was trying to be. So I just decided to find out how much I could pack into the smallest space and it still feel like a resolved story.
So much happening with such excellent economy, I always enjoy the way in which you steep beautiful character detail into your riffs. I hear the character voice clearly from the hop, “cold as a motherfucker”, “God knows what”, and “College kids.” You don’t overload us, but rather strike a beautiful balance that feels like you slip in, give us what we need, and slip back out.
The language moves really well, and again all of the fun flares that are uniquely your own really shine. I smile at “jalopy” and “binocs”, for example. I know these aren’t strictly YOUR words and YOUR words alone, but you hit those distinct vocab flourishes like keys on a piano. “… as if waiting for a gynecological exam” was pure perfection. I also love the belly hanging out self consciousness moment.
You have a knack for taking these quirky little moments, both universal and isolating, and really breathing life into them. There is a creepiness and a craziness and a perfectly logical explanation all in collision that just sort of sings.
If I had one bone to pick, it’s that conflict moment when the boy comes home. The resolution feels a little too easy to me, there’s a lot of dramatic capital to be mined from a moment like this. I want that imaginative flair for this moment, à la the character and language you’ve employed otherwise in the piece. I don’t know that I need a fist fight, I don’t know that I need much more than is already there, but something that could really stick with me about how the boy handles it. As you reveal in the end, there is a definite dysfunction about this relationship, and I’m curious how that dysfunction might manifest in the caught red handed moment, directly addressing the potential for tension between the boy and Milo.
That’s a lot of me rambling, apologies, but this was a joy to read, as per usual, thank you for sharing! Suddenly, I’m very aware of how many disjointed commas I speak in …
Hey, thanks Brian, it’s always such a compliment when anyone takes the time to read a story below the surface and have something insightful to say.
I think the no-confrontation moment dramatizes the cuckolded boy’s hurt and powerlessness and Milo’s bewilderment at what the girl’s agenda is. For some men, discovering a betrayal leads to tears, but rage later. I have experienced this and perhaps that is what informed this story on a subconscious level.
I also wanted it to be a sharp short-short rather than a fully fleshed out short story. So I wrote my usual big sloppy draft and kept shaving off bits of it.
That’s what I was striving for. I’m trying to crack this short-short/flash genre by doing rather than studying
But as we all know, sometimes what we are striving for doesn’t comes across to all. This all goes into the percolator, and who knows what the next draft will look like?